The Day After Christmas

I dreamt of Bill last night. In my dreams he never speaks to me. He's just there. So close, yet I'm not able to communicate with him. I woke with that sense of deep loneliness that comes with knowing that, until Heaven, I never will be able to talk to him again. That feeling has stayed with me all day. Even typing this now the tears are falling. It's almost 4 years since he passed away. I really thought we'd grow old together. As the Bible says, God's ways are not our ways. A lot of time, though, it's hard. Like tonight.

I just had to get out of the house this morning. Besides, Jessie needs to get out and off her iPad. She won't do anything with me. I can't read to her. I can't do crafts with her or play a game. Nothing. I guess I didn't want to do anything with my mom either when I was at home.

We went to Wiegand's to check their sale prices on some items I wanted to buy for next Christmas. Jessie's lunch choice was McDonald's. I asked her if she wanted a coney dog from Leo's instead and she said, "OH, YEAH!", so that's where we went for lunch. We had a nice time out. At least she enjoys being out with me.

When we got home she spent the rest of the day with her cards and the iPad - she used the entire battery. And, she even told me to go to the other room! I guess I can't blame her. She's always got someone watching her. I guess I'd want my space, too.

I did 3 loads of wash, 2 hours of paperwork and watched 2 movies that Jon taped for me. Now it's time to go upstairs. Jon's sleeping, Jessie's in bed but NOT sleeping; she's singing. I don't want to go to bed - it just means tomorrow will be another day like today. Alone. With Jess. Maybe we'll go out to breakfast and go back to Wiegand's and see what's left. (Customers were like vultures there. They were picking the trees clean!) Maybe I'll buy the one thing I didn't buy but should have. We'll see.