Hilda Olivia Taylor Jonas

Hilda Olivia Taylor Jonas

Born in her grandparent's home

January 16, 1923

Beloved daughter, sister, friend,

wife, and mother.

Died in her home

March 31, 2011

You will be missed!

You will always be in our hearts!

Our iPad

I know I've said this before, but it's worth repeating: I am so thankful for our iPad.  Since we purchased it, it has been used every single day by some member of the family.  It's almost constantly in use. 

Since I've been down at Mom's, Bill brings it when he comes and I get caught up on mail, Words With Friends, and a few games.  I've used it to play music to mom and sing to her. I've downloaded several devotionals and different Bible versions and get caught up on those. 

It's been great, too, for Jessie, because as long as she has the iPad, she doesn't care if I'm there.  The other day I went home for a few hours and she was told she could have the iPad when I left.  About an hour later, she said, "Mom go!  Jessie iPad!"  Tonight I called to talk to her and she didn't want to talk to me because she was busy watching the laughing babies.  She finally talked to me, but it was short and sweet!

Mom continues her journey from earth to Heaven, but she is not there yet.  Jon was given tomorrow off so he could help us.  He's spending the night with me and Diane went home for a change.  I think she's only been home 1 night since this began. 

The 9th Day

Today is the 9th day that we have been here with Mom.  Today is the 9th day that she has not had food or water.  She is defying the odds.  Today she's been very calm, unresponsive, shallow breathing.

Prior to this episode with my Mom, I have been learning to TRUST God in all things.  The past year or more has been very difficult for me and my family.  And, just when I think I am fully trusting, something like this comes along, that stretches my beliefs. 

However, I have made the conscious decision to continue trusting God.  He has never failed me before, I expect He never will.  Even though this period of time makes no sense to me, I will still praise His Name.  I will still trust Him. 

People have said that God never gives you more than you can handle.  I disagree.  I believe the scripture verse they are referring to really means temptation, not trials.  If we were always able to handle every trial in life, why would we need Him?  He allows things in our lives that draw us closer to Him.

Enough preaching - didn't mean to.  Guess I'm overtired and my brain doesn't want to quit for the night. 

Hospice

I am grateful for the services of Hospice care.  We could not do this alone.  They have provided great care for my mom and for us.  Because she's deteriorating each day, we have had a nurse in the home every day, and sometimes twice.  They are on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Patients and families of Hospice care are truly blessed to have such great comfort care.

I long to go home, and I know Diane does, too.  Maybe we'll both get a chance to go home for a couple hours tomorrow.  We need a break.  I truly didn't think we'd be here this long. 

Visiting

Today is the 8th day that Mom has been bedridden and making a slow decline.  Both Diane and I left for a little while Jon, JoAnne, Denise and Caity were here.  Diane went to Randie's grandson's 5th birthday party and I went home for several hours. 

Being home, I felt like I was visiting.  I felt displaced.  That wasn't a good feeling.  I spent time with both Bill and Jessie, had dinner, then came back to spend the night with Diane and Mom.  Another night of waiting on God's timing.

Saturday's Post

Sorry I didn't post yesterday.  Just didn't have time.  Another difficult day.  It's been 7 days that Mom has been bedridden, with no food or water.  She is actively dying, but she's got a very strong constitution, I guess.  Even the Hospice nurses are surprised that she's still here.  She doesn't appear to be in a great deal of pain, but there have been enough significant changes in her that a nurse has been here every day. 

As I look outside at the beautiful, crisp day, I am reminded how blessed we are.  Mom is able to be in her own home, taken care of and surrounded by her family.  We talk to her, hold her hand, pray, read scripture, sing, and play music.  We have a host of Hospice workers whenever we need them.  We have people providing food, phone calls, and hugs.  I am thankful for God's blessings.

Please continue to pray for Bill, as he has not felt well at all these past several days.  He's been at Mom's, taking care of Jess, and running the homefront.  He's totally wiped out.  I feel bad that his needs have been secondary to my mom's.  Please pray for him, as well as Jessie, as she is in need of HER mom.

"I Wouldn't Expect Anything Less From My Grandma"

I count it a priviledge to be able to take care of my mom at the end of her life, but I must admit, I'm mentally exhausted.  The days have become one big blur.  I had decided to come home around 4:00 today, and  I went in to see Mom and noticed that there was a significant change in just a few short minutes.  It became apparent to us that she was rapidly failing. 

But, what do we know?  We thought that by 4:10 she would be gone.  It is now 10:58 p.m. and she still hangs on.  Jon said, "I wouldn't expect anything less from my Grandma."  Meaning, she never gives up.  She is a very determined woman and I guess she's just not ready to let us go.  Tenacious - that's my mom!

What Time Is It?

Mom continues to fail and she is not able to communicate like she did yesterday.  However, late this afternoon I was talking to her and she said: "What time is it?"  I told her it was 5:00, then asked her if she was waiting for a special time.  She did respond, but I couldn't make out what she said.  Apparently she is waiting for a special time, and it hasn't come yet.  The Bible says that "there is a time to be born, and a time to die."  I wonder what her time will be?  Tonight?  Tomorrow? 

The waiting for my mom's passing becomes harder each hour.  I'm grateful I don't have to do this alone.  I enjoy Debbie's company and it's nice to be with my sister.  I went home today for a couple hours and got the biggest and longest hug from Jess.  She about wrenched my neck!  Both Bill and Jon have come each day. 

Friendships

There have been so many friends that have come by today both for my mom and for us.  What would we ever do without friends?  Friends uphold us, comfort us, hold our hands, and just sit next to us.  Words aren't really necessary, are they?  The presence of a friend means more than a million words.

The Hospice nurse was out today and she said that it could be hours or a few days for my mom.  There have been a couple more signs of failing, but Mom is still holding on.  We keep telling her it's OK to go, but I guess it's just not her time yet.  The waiting is difficult, but friends have helped us through today.

Waiting On God's Timing

Thanks to Diane, I'm using her computer to blog.  Both Diane and I, as well as Debbie, are here with Mom.  Diane spent the night last night and we're both here tonight.  She continues to decline and we're just holding her hand, talking to her, playing music, keeping her comfortable, and waiting for God's timing.

Doesn't it seem like that's what we do most of our lives?  Wait.  Wait for this.  Wait for that.  Wait for the birth of a child.  Wait for the death of a parent.  I'm not very good at waiting.  Are you? 

God's Blessings

As par for the course, today didn't turn out like I had planned.  When Bill and I got to Mom's today, it was very apparent that she had declined from last evening.  I personally believe that she has begun the journey of preparing to leave this earth.  She was pretty much unresponsive today.

I called our friend, Laura, and she came and ministered to Mom in song and scripture reading.  My mom said for years that she wanted Laura to sing at her funeral, so I figured, why wait?  It was very special and that was one of the few times Mom was responsive.  It was a blessing to Mom and to me.

We had a full house.  The Hospice aide came earlier in the day and gave mom a bath, the nurse came in the late afternoon, and Bill, Jon, Jessie, Diane, Pastor Garry, Denise, Sara and Caity all came.  It was great having Pastor Garry there, as he prayed for Mom, read her scripture, annointed her, visited with Bill, then went and picked up dinner for us. 

Sometimes when we go though hard times we aren't always aware of God's blessings.  Today I know we had many.  

A Very Hard Couple of Days

Being someone's primary care giver is no stroll in the park, I can tell you that.  I was at Mom's from Saturday around 2:00 p.m. until 7:30 p.m. tonight.  Jess went with me and spent last night then went home early this afternoon.  I think she had enough too, although she did help me a bit with Grandma.  She was really good.

Yesterday afternoon wasn't too bad, but mom fired me after she landed on the floor when I tried getting her out of the wheelchair onto the commode.  After the initial landing, I settled Mom in with pillows and a blanket and she looked just like she had decided to sleep on the floor for a change.  She asked me if I had brought my camera.  Like I'm going to take a picture of her on the floor!  I had to wait for Jon to come help me lift her back up. 

Actually, it turned out good that she landed on the floor, because I had to report it to Hospice, and a nurse came out to check on her around 9:30 p.m.  After discussing several things, she took a urine sample and today we found out that she has another UTI. 

Mom has had a huge decline in the past two days.  At this time, we are not able to get her out of bed.  We'll see what the nurse has to say when she comes to see her tomorrow. 

I am so grateful for the prayers of my family and friends.  This is a very difficult time in my life and I can only do it with others who lift me up.  I so appreciate Bill, too.  He's not been well these past several days and I know he would have liked me to be with him.  However, he knows that I need to spend time with my mom, too.  I feel torn between the two. 

Please continue to pray for Randie as she recovers from her heart cath. and Diane from her ????  She's not feeling well at all.  Bronchitis?  Sinus Infection?  Virus?  Who knows, she just is plain sick.  She came to Mom's today and lasted several hours before she had to go home. 

I've got to go now and get some sleep.  I slept with the roving, hot octapus last night!  She had a great night's sleep, not so me.  I kept saying all night ... "MOVE OVER!"

A Not So Good Day For Bill

We were thinking that this round of chemo might not be as bad as the last round, but I guess we thought too soon.  By lunch Bill was flushed, freezing and very, very sick.  He's been like that the rest of the day.  In bed already.  I feel bad for him.  Maybe after a night's sleep, tomorrow will be better.

I worked around the house all day and enjoyed it.  I really do like being home. 

I have a couple immediate prayer requests ... Diane is very sick, and Randie had a heart catherization today and she will have to have a valve replacement very soon.  Please pray that Diane will recover soon and that the open heart surgery for Randie will go very well and her recovery will be fast.  She had bypass surgery 9 years ago, so she knows what's coming and is not looking forward to the surgery.

Mom's caregiver had this weekend planned away so we are covering for her.  Tonight is Jon's shift, as well as part of tomorrow.  Jess and I will do the rest of the time.  So, if you don't see a post from me on Saturday night, don't worry.  I'll do it as soon as I can on Sunday evening.  Nite everyone!

A Quiet Thursday

The last time Bill had chemo, he was in rough shape.  It was THE worst he's ever felt, and that's saying alot.  I was very concerned about yesterday's infusion being worse than last time.  However, he didn't start feeling bad last night until about 9:00 p.m., and although he was pretty sick today, he wasn't as bad as the last time.  Thank you, Jesus!  Thank you, everyone for praying. 

Being home all day with Bill I was able to do some paperwork and even took a nap.  Jessie got to swing in her hammock swing for the first time this year and sang at the top of her lungs.  She's been really looking forward to being outside.  I think the snow got to her this year, too.

Jon's doing well in his new job.  He's been there for 3 weeks already.  It's tiring, but very fulfilling for him and he's enjoying getting to know the residents. 

Chemo #8 Completed

As far as we know at this point, today was Bill's last chemo infusion.  We were shocked today, too, when the nurse tried for a port blood draw, she got it on the first try.  That hasn't happened in many, many months!  Thank you, Jesus!  Even though the staff was late in beginning their day because of a meeting, we were still out of there by 4:00 p.m.  Perfect.

So far so good for Bill.  Only fatigue tonight, and then not even until 9:00 p.m.  Much different than last time.  Thanks so much for your prayers.

Thanks goes to our good friend, Chris, who provided a meal for us tonight.  It was delicious and I didn't have to do anything but set the table.  It is very tiring sitting. 

I Forgot To Tell You This Yesterday ...

Yesterday when I went into Jessie's room in the morning, she was dressed and ready to leave home.  I'm not kidding.  She was wearing red Christmas socks, white summer sandles, brown heavy pants, grey heavy shirt, a cream-colored sweatshirt jacket and she had her backpack stuffed and ready to go.  I asked her, "Jessie - are you leaving home?"  "Yes", she said.  She wore that outfit and carried her backpack for quite sometime.  I told her I would be very said if she left and I would cry.  She said, "Ah!", and patted my back.  I looked inside the backpack and she had a sticker book, a coloring book, 3 pairs of sandels, 2 purses and Sponge Bob.  Ok, then.  I guess she just needed a day to herself like I did awhile back.

Another long day.  By 8:00 a.m. I had the van up to the service station to have the oil changed, had breakfast with a friend, came home and made some necessary phone calls, and went to Mom's to place blocks under the kitchen table that Bill made to lift the table so Mom's wheelchair would fit underneath.  Lunch at McDoanld's with Bill, put away folded clothes that Bill washed yesterday (by the way, he did 6 loads of wash today!!! What a wonderful man!) then left for my yearly gyn visit.  When she was finished I told her that if anything was wrong, DON'T CALL ME !!!!!

Stopped at a couple stores then finally home only to find out I forgot a very important stop: Meijer's to get Bill's nausea patches.  Back out again plus Mom's to help Diane for a few minutes.  We were finally eating dinner at 7:00 p.m.  Man, these days are hard.

Please be in prayer for Bill as he has his last chemo treatment tomorrow.  No one is looking forward to it.  Please pray that the side affects will not be as bad as last time. 

Nothing Went As Planned

It was a frustrating day since nothing went as I had planned.  As you know I spend several hours each Monday with Jessie on Girls Day Out.  However, we only got breakfast out; then I had to go to my mom's to talk with the nurse because mom now has a pressure ulcer (bed sore) and she's getting weaker each day so we ordered a hospital bed.  Bill dropped me off and I spent quite a few hours with Debbie and Mom.  Jon picked me up on his way home and brought me back home.

Each day seems to get harder for Mom.  The dementia is taking over and she has a hard time distinguishing between Diane and I, as well as she promptly forgets most everything that happens. 

Bill is scheduled for the final chemo treatment on Wednesday.  Please pray that he will have peace regarding this infusion and that all will go well.  I selfishly ask that you pray that the side affects will not be as bad as last time.  Thanks.

Birthday Party Day

Today was birthday-party day at Mom's.  We celebrated Diane's birthday, which is today, and Randie's, which was in February.  I made a (very delicious) from-scratch banana cake with cream cheese frosting to celebrate.  We all, except Mom and Jess, had a very nice visit this afternoon.  Jessie watched a couple DVD's in the office (her room) and Mom slept.  Unfortunately, we see that Mom is failing each day.  It is a sad time for all of us.

Mom's cat, Meeko, is paying her back for being gone so long (5 weeks).  Except for the first night she was home and he slept right next to her, he's not paying any attention to Mom.  So, Diane picked him up and put him on Mom's lap and made him sit there for awhile. 

Bill went to first service today then he and I switched in the parking lot.  He took Jess home and I was able to attend church today.  I really enjoyed it.  It was nice to sit with Jon, too.  He stayed for church then had a short meeting afterwards.  We haven't sat next to one another in church for, what?  Years? 

Spring Ahead

If it wasn't for Bill watching the news tonight, we wouldn't have known to set the clocks ahead.  I haven't read the "fine print" on my calendar for quite sometime, so it came as a shock that I am losing an hour of my much-needed beauty sleep.  Oh, well.

Jess and Shannon went to the show, as did Bill and Jon (not to the same movie).  I went to the bank, post office, ate breakfast in Target's parking lot enjoying the sunshine, then visited my mom for a bit.  Met Bill and Jon at Border's then we used our $25.00 gift card to Outback Steakhouse for lunch.  It's probably been over 20 years since we've been there.  Jon went home then Bill and I went to Barnes and Noble.  He received a gift certificate for Christmas and wanted to see what he could find.  He bought a really nice book on gardening and the game Bananagrams.  It was very difficult for me using a cane, carrying a purse, and books that I wanted to buy today.  It's hard enough just using the cane. 

A Five Day Work Week

Yesterday when Jon returned home from work he said that he didn't know how Bill and I could have worked so many years Monday through Friday!  It was killing him.  He's used to 12-hour shifts.  He made it this week, though.  Pretty soon he'll be on his 12-hour shifts from 7:00 p.m. until 7:30 a.m., three days a week.  He's really looking forward to that.  He feels more comfortable there, now, too.  It just takes time.

A good day for Bill.  I am glad that Meijer's and Kroger's have the motorized carts, as I would not have been able to walk around them.  Jess and Shannon had a good Breakfast-Out-Day, too.  I guess, a good day was had by all.

Whooping Cough

I've been having episodes of out-of-the-blue coughing "fits" and several times having difficulty breathing (for months, but twice this week).  Since I like to breathe, I went to my family doctor today.  Believe it or not, he's being very aggressive in treating me for Whooping Cough.  He said that he's seen alot of it lately in adults.  That's wierd.  I never expected that!  And here I've been blaming my mom's cat, Meeko!

Another full day.  If only I had just one day that I didn't have to go anywhere or do something.  That would be very nice.  Bill didn't feel very well today.  Pretty icky. 

I Miss Jake

I miss our dog, Jake.  He was such a great companion.  Jon has said that he misses him the most when he comes home and Jake's not there to greet him with excitement and lots of wet kisses.  He was a great protector, too.  I still find myself looking down the stairs at night if I get up and check on the kids.  He always slept at the bottom of the stairs, since we never allowed him upstairs.

Today Bill felt the best he's felt since his chemo day.  Yah!!!!  My knee is better, but I'm still using the cane.  Jon had a good day at work.  Jessie was great all day until 10 minutes before Shannon left then had a total meltdown.  Sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  Finally got her calmed down after a half hour.  Our good friends Don and Roxanne had Bill and I over to their house for dinner.  That was so nice.  Dinner was delicious and we had fun playing Bananagrams. 

Discouragement

Yesterday afternoon I was hurrying from the front door to the kitchen and ran into the corner of an end table - right into my bad knee.  Boy, did that hurt.  It looked a little swollen, but my whole knee is swollen, so no big deal.  However, this morning I was unable to walk without serious pain.  I must have done a good job on it because I have had to use my cane all day.  I iced it couple times, as well as took Motrin.  I hope it's better in the morning, or I might have to go see the knee doctor.  This is discouraging.  I'm tired of being in pain.

We had another busy day.  My cousin, Linda, came and visited mom.  We had a nice visit, although Mom slept most of the time.  Bill and I went and had mom's taxes done.  We went to lunch then back to Mom's to meet the Hospice Chaplain and Social Worker.  I am very grateful for the services that Hospice has for the individual as well as the family.  However, it was hard for me today.  It made the situation so much more final.  Discouraging.

It was discouraging for me, too, because Bill looked so tired all day.  He rewired 3 lamps for my mom and helped me get around.  Tonight he was pretty sick.  To bed early.  I hope he feels better in the morning.

Jessie continues to be mad, yelling at me alot.  This is discouraging.  I told her tonight I miss "my happy Jessie.  Where did she go?"  Some of it most likely is from the Vit. D. deficiency, but I believe that she understands so much more than we give her credit for and she understands the seriousness of her dad's illness, as well as her Grandma's now, too.  She just doesn't have a way of telling us how she feels. 

On such a discouraging day, I received a beautiful card from my mom's good friend, Jane.  It meant so much to me her words of ENCOURAGEMENT.  Thank you, Jane, for encouraging me today.  I needed it. 

My Days Are Just Too Full

And I don't get everything done that needs to be done!  It is so frustrating that alot of the stuff that doesn't get done gets shoved to the next day.  And so on.  And so on.  So what am I doing now instead of paperwork or wash or whatever?  Eating a bowl of ice cream and loving every spoonful! 

Bill felt well enough today to be with Jess and I on our Girls Day Out.  He even went to Men's Group tonight, too.  That is very good. 

Feelin' Blah

After 11 hours of sleep, you'd think I'd feel great.  Not so this morning.  Took me a couple hours just to get motivated.  Had a bad sinus headache, too.  Bill went to church with Jon.  He probably shouldn't have gone since he's been pretty sick the rest of the day.  Usual chemo side affects. 

On a happy note, Bill's sister, Ruth, came for an overnight visit.  Bill, Mom and Ruth had a nice visit this afternoon while I took a nap.  Jessie LOVES her Aunt Ruth, and the two of them sat on the couch before dinner looking at a Bisquick cookbook - one of Jessie's favorite books.  I made bread pudding for dinner and it was very good, if i do say so myself.  I don't make it that often because we tend to eat more than we should. 

Saturday

Paperwork, bank, Mom's, home for dinner, rest.  Bill stayed in today and did 7 loads of wash.  We were a bit behind.  Jessie watched DVD's and played on the iPad.  Jon worked on files in his room.  Right now Bill's watching the Rock, Pop and Doo Waps.  It's amazing that the words to songs we haven't heard in over 40 years come right back. 

Mom's Home

It has been an extremely exhausting day.  Bill, Diane and I were at SNC to get Mom "signed out" by a little after 9:00 a.m.  (Traffic was unbelievable due to icy roads.)  She was home and in her favorite chair by 11:30 a.m.  Jon was also able to be there since he didn't have to go to work.  We had lunch then the Hospice In-take Nurse was there for almost 3 hours going over everything.  It was very overwhelming for me.  I can't imagine what it was for Debbie, our cousin, who will be Mom's Caregiver.  Shannon brought Jessie to Grandma's, too, so for awhile it looked like we were having a party!  (Jessie thought we were!)  We finally left them alone around 5:00 to settle in for the night.  It wasn't a good day for Mom.  She's very tired and weak.  I hope it was just transitioning from one place to another. 

A tiring day for Bill.  Actually, several days have been tiring for him.  Tomorrow he says he's not going anywhere! 

A Tiring Day

I'm so very grateful that Bill has felt well enough to be dragged around by me as I continue to prepare for my Mom's return to her home in the morning.  We even had to be at her house by 7:30 a.m. (!!!!!!!!) for one delivery of two that was planned for this morning.  Finished up a bit of grocery shopping and made sure all was set for tomorrow. 

Diane went to see Mom tonight and she was very tired and not feeling all that great.  Please pray that the move tomorrow will be as easy as possible for her.  She will be coming home in a wheelchair van. 

Thank you for the phone calls and e-mails when I didn't blog and you-all were concerned.  I'm doing better.  Just extremely tired.  Good night!

Picnic Day

I had to be out all day again in preparation for Mom coming home on Friday.  Bill felt well enough, the sun was shininy, he took his meds and went with me.  We ate our lunch in Hobby Lobby's parking lot (did NOT shop there) - a sort-of-picnic.  It was even too hot to have my coat on while we ate.   We are greatful that Bill has felt well enough to be out for a bit the last couple of days.  Thanks for your prayers.

Jon seems to enjoy his new job, although all they've done so far is paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.  He's anxious to be "on the floor".  Maybe on Monday.  It's so nice that he only has a half-hour drive. 

Today was Jessie's baking day, and Jess and Shannon made chocolate chip walnut cookies for Grandma's homecoming.  They are good!

Reading Between The Lines Not Written

Bill is doing fine.  He's still struggling daily with the nasty chemo effects (nausea, fatigue, bone pain, and general ickyness) but he's OK. 

For those of you who follow my blog daily and know me, the absence of a couple blogs and one very short one is not the norm.  Since I've been so transparent since September 2010 when I began blogging, I guess I'll continue.  There is no shame in being honest.  I had a major meltdown on Monday.  Life just became too overwhelming for me.  I sort-of "ran away from home", but I did return in time to make dinner.  I guess some of my coping skills went kaput. 

Today, I am much better.  I sobbed my heart out, and the tears I've been storing up are finally out and in God's bottle.  (Psalm 56:8)  I am once again armed and ready for the day. 

I am thankful for my sister, Diane.  She gives the best hugs!  We've done alot of talking and planning, and the plan is to bring Mom home (to her house) from the nursing center on Friday.  We are having her placed on Hospice.  Please continue to pray for a smooth transition for Mom and for us. 

Thank you, dear family and friends.  Where would I be if I couldn't count on each one of you for your love, friendship, prayers and support?  I WOULD be kaput, that's for sure!