Anniversaries

For over a week I have felt depressed. I believe most of it is caused by being in chronic pain with my back and the effects of medication. The other part is that I am grieving all over again, and I don't like it. I was so upset this afternoon that I went to my room, closed the door and slept for 3 hours. I would have stayed there, too, except that Jessie had speech and I needed to get up and pay the therapist. (Jessie did very well today, as a side note, from Cheryl!)

We have a couple anniversaries coming up - Bill and my mom. Even though I have not been thinking of this a lot, my subconscience must be because I'm dreaming of both of them almost every night. I don't usually dream of them, that I remember anyway. Jon has been down emotionally, also, and Jessie has spent several weeks talking about her dad a lot. I don't know how she knows because we don't talk dates with her, and I don't talk about her dad much either. I take my cues from her.

It'll be 3 years on March 8 for Bill and 4 years on March 28 for my mom. It's been along time. No one asks anymore how I'm doing. How the kids are doing. If I'm lonely. What are my new goals for the future. Do I have any? Have I found my new identity? If I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, I'm not. Most days I do very well, but I guess anniversaries are harder than I thought they would be. Maybe the first or second year, but surely not the third. I didn't expect this.

I gain great comfort from God and the Bible each day. I am thankful for what He has given me, yet sometimes I think about what I thought my future was going to hold and it is different from reality. No growing old together for us. No retirement vacations like we had planned.

I know that many of you can relate to this. You've also lost someone you loved so very much. I hope that you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I hope that God is your comforter, as He is mine. Yet, we are human, are we not? We can't just sweep these feelings under the rug, so to speak. I have a choice tonight and that is to continue to trust God that He has a special plan for my future and that He continues to be my comforter when that is what I need.

After reading this post you're probably wishing I wrote about what we ate for dinner and where we went for lunch!