I Am Back

Sorry to all my friends and family who read this daily. Two nights ago I couldn't get Internet access. Now I can't remember what happened on Tuesday to let you know.

Yesterday at 8:30 a.m. I started with severe diarrhea and vomiting which lasted 13 hours. I was totally out of commission. I began eating ice chips at 10:30 p.m. I didnt feel like I had the flu. More like food poisoning. Who knows. It doesn't matter. I feel better today although the diarrhea continues.

Diane and Randie came yesterday and then Di returned to spend the night. I am so grateful to Debbie who is keeping Jessie occupied. She seems better today (she had several meltdowns yesterday. All this is too much for her.)

Bill continues to deteriorate and is in what Hospice calls the transitional stage between preactive and actively dying. Please pray with me that it doesn't take too much longer. I know this statement sounds cold, but unless you have taken care of a dying family member and their death is slow and difficult, you will understand. It takes a toll not only on the patient, but caregivers.

I will post more tonight since I have found out how to do,it on my iPad.

Changes Again

This morning it became evident that Bill will not be able to get up and use the wheelchair, so I guess you'd say he's bed bound for now.  This makes it a little more challenging for all of us.  It's been a hard day.  Jess has rebelled and had several meltdowns.  Chris K. has been here to take care of her and everything on the first floor.  Jon's home from work so I'm doing an early blog then going up and staying upstairs for the night. 

I Didn't Even Hear The Vacuum Cleaner

Diane spent the day with us and watched Jess while I spent most of the day upstairs with Bill.  I also took a nap and must have slept hard since I didn't hear the vacuum cleaner.  Di also did all of our wash.  Jess spent the day watching home videos and playing Bingo by herself.  She also chattered the entire time, much to Diane's dismay, since she's not used to constant chatter.  I tend to tune Jess out, so it doesn't bother me - most of the time.  She was getting on my nerves a little, too.

I really appreciate the phone calls and text messages.  It keeps me connected to family and friends and the outside world.  Not much change in Bill.  Slept almost the entire day.  He's so ready to go to Heaven!   Waiting for his appointed time is difficult for all. 

 

New Orders

Bill's Nurse came today and because of changes in his condition, we have new orders again.  Good thing I have a daily chart on the computer that I just have to change, or I'd forget what to give him and at what time.  Seriously, we've changed things so many times.  When she comes, I have to give her "a report" on what has transpired since her last visit.  I'm glad I'm a detailed note taker or I'd just be giving her a blank stare.

Jess had a great day out with Debbie today and tonight Jane and Rachel came and took her out to dinner then played Apples to Apples with her.  My friend, Denise, brought her some coloring books and crayons.  We're keeping her busy.

Jon works the next 3 days.  He's been such a big help to me these past days off.  He's such a super son. 

Come On!

I think that Debbie has made it on Jessie's list.  Debbie and Jess were in the bathroom and when Jess was finished she ran down the hall even before Debbie could get things squared away.  Jess ran to her room and yelled: "Come On!"  Jess had a better attitude today and seemed to have fun.   Now, if I can just get her from squealing in the middle of the night, saying she's scared and coming in to bed with me.  After about 3 times of putting her back to bed I'm too tired to argue and let her sleep with me.  I guess if it gives her comfort during this time it's alright. 

The Hospice Chaplain visited Bill and also spent time with Jess and me.  She asked how I was doing and I said I think I'm doing basically OK.  Then later on in the afternoon I had this sense of deep grief roll over me and I spent the evening close to tears then I did cry.  This is just so hard.  There isn't anything I can count on.  Each day is different and harder.  There's no stability in my life right now.  I don't know what an afternoon will bring, much less the next day. 

However, there IS one constant in my life, and that is Jesus Christ.  He's the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.  He is my rock and my refuge.  He never changes and I can count on Him to get me through each moment.  I cry out to Him and He hears me and answers me.  I am beyond blessed.

"The Straw That Broke The Camel's Back"

I'm sure you've all heard this saying.  I wonder if you've experienced it?

Jon went out to breakfast and when he paid his bill and left, he found his keys missing.  He remembers putting them on the table, yet they weren't there.  After about 20 minutes of searching, he about lost it.  Why? 

Yesterday I tripped over the dog in the kitchen and screamed at him like a lunatic.  I didn't get hurt and ordinarily I would have just shooed him away.  Why did I lose it? 

I know Jon and I are handling Bill's situation very well.  We are realistic and not living in denial.  We are enjoying Bill's presence each day he has left with us.  However, the load is almost more than we can bear at times.  It's not the heavy load that puts us over the edge, it's the little things - like the straw on the camel's back.  Not only do we all need to pray for the huge things in life, we need to pray to be able to handle the straws that are thrown our way.

By the way, Jon's keys were in an arm zippered pocket that he NEVER uses and doesn't remember putting them in there.  Guess he's a bit scattered, too!

Looking Back Over The Day

It's a little later than I normally blog, but I spent extra time with Bill on the couch watching tv and holding his hand.  He was pretty alert the last couple hours before he went to bed.  Prior to that he'd been asleep in the chair.  The Hospice Nurse came today and confirmed what we had already figured out: Bill is failing.  She's seen a huge change in him in the past week since she went on vacation.  I already miss my Willie. 

I didn't sleep much last night because of some changes in Bill's sleeping pattern and just being wide awake.  I'm not used to this, because usually before I pull the covers up I am already asleep.  I was exhausted by the afternoon and I'm thankful that Chris K. came and spent the day.  She dusted, vacuumed, answered the door and helped in the kitchen, while I spent time with Bill and took a short nap.  Debbie was keeping Jessie occupied.  Jon worked.

I'm off to bed and hoping that I can sleep, but I don't want to sleep too soundly in case Bill needs me.  I did two nights ago.  Sometime during the night Memphis softly barked.  I jumped up and said "What's wrong, boy?"  Memphis didn't say anything (good thing) but Bill said, "He heard me cry out in pain." I felt bad that I didn't hear him but thankful that Memphis alerted me to Bill's need.  Once again, Thank you, God, for Memphis.

I Could Have Danced All Night

Each day is a little harder for Bill, and today wasn't any different.  We've had to use the wheelchair several times instead of the walker.  Most of the time he just can't stay awake, which is to be expected.  However, he is still the funny guy I married.  Many of you don't know that he is very witty and a very, very funny man. 

Tonight after I helped lift him off the couch upstairs, we were standing very close.  I whispered in his ear: "Shall we dance?"  He just nodded and grabbing his walker made it to the door then started to sing in his raspy and very weak voice: "I could have danced all night.  I could have danced all night. Wait!  I can't keep up with my walker!"

A Sad Jessie

Poor Jessie.  She's going to lose her daddy soon and today I had to tell her that her Shannon will not be returning because of a medical situation.  Please pray for Jess.  I want a happy girl, and life just seems to get harder and harder for all of us. 

Against Jon's better judgement, Bill came downstairs tonight.  Going down was Ok, but going back up was a bit tricky.  I'm not sure we'll try it again.  I know that Bill wants to get out of our bedroom and come down where all the "action" is, but he's still a bit wobbly.

Disgusting !!!!!

I knew I should have waited until my usual time to post, but since I didn't I now have to share what happened with Jess after I finished my previous post about her.  Notice:  please excuse the language and descriptions - discretion advised:

Jess was laying on the couch watching Utube on her iPad.  I was at the dining room table doing pills for the week for everyone.  It sounded like she was watching someone throw up.  It was loud and obnoxious.  I told her to shut that off, that it was disgusting!  She laughed louder and said: "Disgusting!"  Since she didn't do what I asked I went over to her only to discover she was on the "Animal Farting" site and the one she was watching was entitled "Bad Ass".  Two rather large gorillas, one behind the other as the one farted away.  The more I made an issue about it the harder she laughed.  She was laughing so hard she could barely breathe!  When she gets like that she says, "GEEZ!"

Humor makes the day brighter.

Jessie

Today and tomorrow there are no aides for Jessie, and she's having a good time being "alone", so to speak.  Once again she was in her bedroom before I got up and opened her door and yelled: "Mom!  Mess again!"  I said, "Again?"  "Yes!  Bye!" she yelled and slammed her door.  Once again at least a hundred videos are all over the floor.  The same videos that Debbie has helped her put back on the shelves numerous times this week.  I don't know why we even try anymore. 

Jon has today and the next 2 days off, so Jess and I went to McDonald's for lunch, Kohl's (HAD to spend my Kohl's bucks!), the post office and car wash.  We waited 20 minutes in line for a wash.  Jess was so upset she about had a panic attack inside.  Kept saying:  "Scarry!"  "Halloween!" Once we returned home she was jabber-mouthed again.  I'm not sure why, but each time we go out, she comes home and can't stop talking.  Loud talking.  It gets pretty annoying, that's for sure.

A funny thing I've been wanting to share with you: Jess is not crazy about getting wet, unless it's in the rain.  When I give her a bath, she sits on the toilet and waits for me to get the water warm and in the tub.  Just to be funny I flick her with water on her body.  She hollers then grabs a WET WASHCLOTH that is on the sink and wipes it all over her body, "drying" off the few flicks of water I put on her.  Too funny.

Bill continues to sleep more and can't seem to stay awake.  He would like to come downstairs for a different view and be with us when we're downstairs, but he's not ready to walk down those stairs yet. 

On Being Scattered

Today was a pretty quiet day.  Bill slept most of the day, I took a 3-hour nap and Debbie and Jessie had fun with breakfast out and a couple stores. I did a couple loads of wash, vacuumed and thought I was doing pretty good.  However, when our Psychologist came to talk about Jess, he said that I seemed pretty scattered.  Man, and I thought I was doing good today!

I am grateful for all the meals that are being brought in.  Please forgive me if I don't mention your name or thank you for a visit.  I'm trying to keep an accurate list so I can send thank you's, but I guess that by the end of the day I am pretty scattered.  Tonight was a little tricky keeping an eye on Jess downstairs and trying to spend time upstairs with Bill.  My knees feel the effect of many times up and down the stairs daily. 

Improvement

The Hospice nurse was out this afternoon and other than some bruising on Bill's back and a sore shoulder, he seems to be doing better.  After the nurse left he said that he wanted to try walking, so we traded the wheelchair for a walker.  He's very slow, but walking.  This is great.  Thank you for your constant prayers for our family.  I just don't know what I'd do without the strength that God gives me every day to deal with all that is happening.  People keep saying that I'm strong.  Be it known that my strength comes from the Lord.  I, myself, am very weak. 

Definitely Not A Good Day

When I got Bill up this morning at 3:00 a.m. for his meds, he was doing well.  At 6:10 a.m. I heard a thud, a cane fall and Bill calling my name.  Jon made it to the bathroom door before I did, yet he doesn't remember hearing anything or that he ran down the hall.  Bill was very disoriented, weak and had taken a bad fall.  We got him back up and back to bed, and after determining that nothing was broken, I called Hospice to let them know and a nurse arrived around 8:00 a.m. to check him over.

After the nurse left Bill decided to try the bathroom again, only to discover that he was unable to bear any weight on one leg.  It kept buckling.  So, as of right now, he's unable to walk.  I brought up the wheelchair to help move him from here to there, and he spent the entire day asleep in the chair.  It was my mom's lift chair and it sure is coming in handy. 

I've been very emotional all day and my brain went on vacation again.  Jessie has also been very upset.  She's been crying for Shannon and even took several naps this morning, which is rare.  I am thankful to God that he sent Rox, Chris K, the Hospice Chaplain and Di and Randie to spend time with me, and Lynn for bringing a dinner.  And my wonderful son who bought me a carry-out breakfast, did banking for me and gave me many hugs.  I sure did need the hugs today.

Happy Valentine's Day

Having a special day set aside once a year to tell someone you love them is nice.  A card, flowers, dinner out, a text or two to friends.  What could be nicer?  How about saying, "I love you" every day. 

I'm thankful I've been about to say that to my husband of 28 years just about every day of our marriage.  For those of you that don't know our history, we had our first date on February 7, we were engaged on April 23 and I received a beautiful engagement ring on April 26.  We were married on September 17 - all in the year of 1983.  Many of you were at our wedding - a standing-room only event!  God graciously gave me the man of my dreams.  Thank you, Jesus!

Jessie had a hard morning, as Shannon had to leave and return to her couch at home.  She is on bed rest again, and we sure would appreciate your prayers for her healing.  Debbie will be able to help this week.  Jess had a doctor's appointment at noon and Ruth kept Bill company while I took her and stopped at a few stores for necessary stuff.  She had a better afternoon.

Bill didn't have a great deal of pain - just uncomfortable.  He had several visitors: John and Lucy, Pastor Mick and Ron.  These visits mean alot to us.  Thank you.  Ruth played the piano while I was fixing dinner and it was great singing along to "those old hymns".

A Special Lunch

As you know, today was Girl's Day Out, Jon had the day off and I was able to take Jessie out.  Plus, Shannon returned after 2 weeks of bed rest which made for a VERY happy Jessie.  Bill's sister, Ruth, is here for a visit and the four of us went to lunch at one of our favorite places: Bellacino's.  What a nice time out. 

Yesterday I forgot to post, as I mentioned this morning.  That was too bad, because Bill had a pain-free day, and I'm sure you-all would have rejoiced along with us.  Unfortunately, it was short-lived, as Bill had breakthrough pain again today.  That was pretty discouraging.

Tonight we enjoyed a delicious homemade chicken noodle soup dinner brought to us yesterday by Carol.  She also stayed and visited for a bit.  Another friend, Jay, came in the afternoon, brought his guitar and played for Bill.  That was such a treat since Bill isn't able to go to church and hear "live" music.  Ruth is an accomplished pianist and we're hoping she'll play for us tomorrow.  Bill R. visited with Bill this afternoon.  Thank you so much, everyone, for your calls, food and visits.  They are very much appreciated.

All's Well

I went to bed last night late and lay there thinking that I had forgotten to do something.  At 11:30 I remembered that it was my blog.  I made an executive decision not to get out of my warm bed and come downstairs and post.  For those of you who read each night or every morning, all's well.  I will blog more tonight - promise.

Changes

One thing I have to say about Hospice is that they're not adverse to trying something else if one thing doesn't work.  We had another nurse come out today and called the weekend doctor and changed Bill's pain medication again.  I certainly hope this will be the end of the breakthrough pain he's been having daily.  That would make for a much better day for him (and us).

Jessie had a great day with Jane and Rachel.  No playing outside or swinging, but they did go out to eat,  which is another one of Jessie's favorite things to do!

I neglected to say THANKS to Al and Caroline for a nice visit yesterday and a great dinner.  Today Diane and Randie came for the afternoon then went and bought Chinese for dinner.  This has been such a huge help to me.  I am grateful for everything that friends are doing for us.  Especially the company.  It helps alot.

A Quiet Night

Jon works the next 2 days so he was in bed by 7:30 p.m.  Jessie's been asleep on the couch since 7:00, Bill went to bed around 9:20 and Grandma just went to bed.  Oh, and the dog has been asleep for hours, too.  I should go to bed, but I'm not tired.  I was this afternoon, but not now.  Since I don't watch tv, that is off and it is really quiet.  Just a bunch of snores coming from Jessie and Memphis.

Bill's had a pretty rough day with lots of pain.  The break-through pain medicine we're giving him doesn't seem to work.  We've got a nurse coming out tomorrow to see what we can do about another change in medication. 

We've had such a mild winter that I have only worn a long-sleeved shirt maybe 3 times.  I wore one today because I had an appointment and when I got home I put a load of white clothes in.  I also added bleach and didn't think anything of leaning on the washer.  Now I have a nice streak on the front of my nice black shirt.  I hope a magic marker will cover it up because I really like this particular shirt.  Oh, well.  I guess a streak on my shirt is the least of my concerns right now. 

On Being Thankful

Some nights it takes me awhile trying to figure out what I should share.  As the days get harder and harder, I don't always want to share this to make everyone feel bad.  It's just life.  As Bill fails and gets weaker and sleeps more, it's a hard life for all of us.

Tonight I can't think of anything noteworthy to report, except how thankful I was when Chris brought dinner tonight and stayed to visit. I am thankful for Pastor Garry who came this afternoon, cried with us, and as he read us scripture, gave Bill the hope of God's promises.  I am thankful for my two Kathy friends who called me to make sure I was OK.  I'm always thankful for my sister who checks in on me daily.  I am thankful that Debbie has been able to work for us and that Jessie likes her.  I'm thankful for Julie who keeps tabs on me, too.  And, I am very thankful for hugs.  Thank you, Jesus, for hugs. 

Memphis

Did I tell you that he snores?  I've never heard a dog snore.  Have you?

Did I tell you that not only does he bring me my slippers in the morning letting me know it's time to get up and get him breakfast, he pulls my covers off! 

Did I tell you that he goes to bed early?  He has to go out around 8:30, get his treat, and upstairs he goes to bed.

Did I tell you he follows me around like my shadow?  Then, today when I had a good cry, he was right there with his head in my lap looking at me with his big eyes. 

Thank you, Jesus, for giving us our angel dog, Memphis.

Visiting

Unfortunately, Shannon texted me late last night and said that she would not be returning this week as we all hoped.  Another 5 days of bed rest.  Please pray for Shannon's healing.  Thankfully, Debbie is able to help us out this week.

Tuesday's Library Day and I drove Debbie and Jessie around today, to help acclimate Debbie on how to deal with Jess in the public.  We had lunch out at the Garden (to try and eat healthier rather than fast-food all the time), we went to the Library and the post office.  Then, we visited Grandma and Grandpa B.  Jessie LOVES these two great people. She can't give Grandma enough hugs and kisses, that's for sure.  I am keeping Grandma in lots of reading books, since our church library isn't quite open yet, as it moved from the second to the first floor. 

The Hospice Nurse was here and Jon handled her visit because we were out.  They have changed some medications and we hope with these changes Bill won't be in so much pain.  Let's pray so.

Swingin' Days

Jessie has really been enjoying the warmer weather.  She's been outside swinging almost every day for several days.  Today it was several hours.  She swings and sings at the top of her lungs.  This is her favorite thing to do.   Of course, this picture was taken in August, but you can see her hammock swing.  Rachel was playing kick ball with Jess while she was swinging.

Bill slept all day yesterday and today he was in alot of pain.  It just seems like each day is so different from the day before and you can't count on anything.  It is emotionally draining. 

A Mixed Up Day

After Jon went to church and had lunch out, Jess and I went out to lunch and had our "Girl's Day Out" a day early.  We also went to storage and Aldi's.  Jess was very good and we had a good time together.  However, it has been very typical of her on our outings that she jabbers constantly when she returns.  Her lips have not stopped moving since about 3:00 this afternoon.  And that is no exageration.  I am so glad that she's in bed and only making her tired noises.  I wish those would stop soon, too!

Bill has had no severe pain but he has slept the entire day.  He might have been awake for an hour, not sure.  He's so tired.  Chris came and spent the afternoon and evening.  We had a very nice visit.

Kroger Shopping

Jon spent the morning cleaning his room and being with Bill, and I went to the post office, bank, Bellacino's for a nice lunch, then Kroger's.  I haven't been there in several weeks and I was shocked to see the price hikes on alot of items.  I usually only shop for sales, but I needed a few other items and their prices made me cringe.  I hate it when I'm forced to buy items not on sale.  Oh, well.  I also visited (my) Shannon.  She took a nasty fall last Thursday and needs our prayers for a good healing.  She twisted her right ankle and damaged her left knee. 

My (school teacher) friend Rosemarie and a friend of hers visited Bill while I was out and later on Di and Randie came.  Bill's day was OK, but very tiring.  Jessie had a great day with Jane and Rachel.  Another (school teacher) friend, Joan, brough us a meatloaf dinner.  An awesome comfort food meal.  Thanks, Joan!

Sibling Time

Jessie's new aide for today wasn't able to be here till the afternoon, so Jon took Jessie out to breakfast.  It was so nice to see them doing something together and having a good time. 

The Hospice Nurse was here again today and one of Bill's issues was resolved.  I am so thankful for the Hospice staff who do their best to keep the patients comfortable.  I don't know what we'd do without our Nurse, Doctor and Chaplain. 

Bill had a pretty good day, only minimal pain.  Our friends, Al and Caroline visited and several people I haven't talked to in a long time called.  Jon went to the show and Jessie only gave Debbie a small amount of stubborness.  Not a bad day. 

Half My Brain Is Back

After 10 hours of sleep last night I got half my brain back.  Not bad.  However, after being up for only a couple hours, I felt like I needed a nap.  Bill had a pretty good day today.  Only minimal amount of pain.  The honeymoon was over between Jess and Sue.  Jon finished his long stretch at work.  Dorene and Bob were both here helping around the house.  Bob spent quite a bit of time visiting Bill which was very much needed and appreciated.  I'm going to try for at least 9 hours of sleep tonight.

Yesterday a Drink? Today ...

I'm not quite sure.  I am posting early because my mind has begun to shut down and I can't think clearly.  It's been a very hard day for Bill.  He was in extreme pain earlier today.  The Hospice Nurse was here for almost 2 hours and in consulting with the doctor, has made medication/nutrition changes.  All I have to say is that this is extremely difficult for Bill, and for me.  End of life changes are necessary, but not wanted, if you know what I mean.  A good cry helped. 

I am very thankful that Sue was able to be with Jessie today.  It seems she had a good day.  I heard her laughing several times and she never screamed or hollered once.  We'll see about tomorrow, as Jess will have had one day with her and might now try to get away with stuff.  She's famous for "Mom said!"