This Broke My Heart Today

At first glance, this is an adorable picture of Jessie sitting in the front seat of the van, ready to drive.  Unfortunately, it was a heart renching episode for me.

Debbie, Jon, Jessie and I went to Chili's for lunch for Cinco de Mayo (don't we need excuses for eating out?).  I drove with Jon and Jessie drove with Debbie.  We parked next to one another. 

When we came back to the vehicles, I started to get in Jon's jeep when I noticed that Jessie was giving Debbie a hard time about getting in the back seat.  She wanted to sit in the front seat!

Jessie NEVER sits in anyone's front seat.  Never has and I assumed never would.  Except for today.  For some reason she climbed in the driver's seat, buckled up and wanted to drive home.  We were all laughing hysterically until we realized that she was VERY serious.

We had a difficult time getting her out.  You just don't move Jessie if she's wanting to stay put.  By now I was getting nervous about getting her out.  Jon finally told her that if she wanted she could sit in the van tomorrow and drive.  Not good words.  Necessary at the time, but she remembers. 

She tried to get out but she got stuck several times.  She tried backing out like she does in the back seat but her right leg kept getting stuck.  Debbie raised the wheel, I lowered the seat back and she ended up crawling into the back, falling on her back with her legs in the air.  By this time I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry.

She finally gets in her seat, I give her a hug and she looks at me and says:  "Promise?  Little car?"  (Remember Jon's words about driving tomorrow?)  OK, I had to quickly leave her and broke down.  Why?

When a special needs child is born, the parents may go through some grieving in the beginning, and maybe as the years go by at certain times.  Depending on the severity of the disability, you realize that your child will never be able to do this ... or that ... or whatever.  Today I saw Jessie's desire to drive and be like us, yet I know that will never happen.  It broke my heart the way she looked at me and said:  "Promise?  Little car?"  Especially when she actually got in the driver's seat, something that she has NEVER done in her 23 years!